It's just a Joke!!!!

I thought we might want a jokes thread. On my arborist forum, this is one of the more popular threads that keeps people checking in regularly. I'll kick it off.

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On second notice... out of 45 pages on my other forum, I'm gonna have to go through them with a fine-toothed comb to find jokes which fit our forum rules of propriety. It's hard to tell a good joke in here.
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The eng! aged wo man giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we n ot only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!'

When girls don't put out!!


This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.........but at least that woman knows I'm smarter than her.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey koala! What are you doing??'

The koala said, 'Smokin a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was' dry' and that he was goin to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint, but go too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink...

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" The koala looked down at him and said, 'Daaaaaaaaamn dude!!!!!! How much water did you drink!??????

LOL

awww come on, noone's got any good jokes????

> Brakpan couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her
> heart out.
> Husband says ' Oh for f * ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
>
> __________________________________
>
> My ex asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come
> back
> as something else.
>
> She said she wanted to come back as a cow.
>
> I said, 'You're not f * cking listening'
> _____________________________________________
>
> Was depressed last night, rang lifeline --
> Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
>
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck??
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
>
> I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle
> backwards, gets in the car and f * cks off.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot
> twice.
>
> Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
>
> ___________________________________________________
>
> A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today...
> Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push
> it
> inside the mosque.
>